I’m in my 60s now — so, naturally, I think of death quite often…
Seriously — have you ever noticed how many guys (and I do mean guys) check out at 63? Well, I have. It’s almost like we have a “Logan’s Run” set up. As soon as you turn 63, your life-clock goes off and it’s Carousel time, never to return.
For the last 60-plus years, death is not something I’ve given much thought to. Oh, sure, I was not going to live forever, I would face death, but that time was always far, far away in the blurry distant future. No longer. Death is right here. It’s like standing in front of an unopened door. You try to peek; try to imagine what it will be like. You watch “Near Death Experiences” on YouTube — but, hey, those people aren’t dead. They’re alive and making money on YouTube!
Even my deeply held religious beliefs falter a bit under the weight of my curiosity and wondering. We, our spirit, goes back to God. Not a very detailed description. Not very satisfying.
I was looking at some century old photos of the little town I grew up in. My grandparents would be teenagers. My parents are yet to be born. And me? Where was I? I didn’t exist, of course. I would exist — just not yet. Maybe death is the reverse of that. I see people in those old photos. All of them existed. But now all of them are dead. None of them exist any longer. Could death be returning to place you started?
The reality of facing death can frighten the strong among us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened.
One of my college friends, a man with wit and talent, someone I had looked up to and appreciated, passed away after a being diagnosed with an aggressive disease. I wasn’t with him when he passed, but I was told he was so frightened, so afraid to face “the end.” Hard for me to imagine him like that. He was so strong and sure of himself.
In the past two years, I’ve lost two uncles and one sister to death. I miss all of them. They are all with God.
So, what do I think happens? In my case, I think I will close my eyes to sleep and not wake up. From there on — don’t know. I know that if I do “awaken” at some point, there is only One that can do the awakening. So be it.
(I am still frightened.)
