CROW

Turns out there’s this whole genre of music out there called “yacht rock.” I had never heard of it before until I re-subscribed to SiriusXM satellite radio and discovered they have a channel called “Yacht Rock” — and even though the playlist is relatively small, I love this channel.

If you like songs about making love…
About the Moon…
And boats and stuff.
All while consuming moderate amounts of adult libations.
Yacht Rock Radio

Yacht Rock was never a term I heard back when these tunes were on the radio and in the record stores. We called it “Soft Rock” or “Adult Contemporary” never associating any of this music with yachts. It was Donald Fagen of Steely Dan fame who referred to it as “Dad Rock” — you know, Millennials, it’s the music your Dad listens to…

Examples of Yacht Rock: Michael McDonald (I Keep Forgettin’), Kenny Loggins (This Is It), Boz Scaggs (JoJo), Ambrosia (You’re the Biggest Part of Me), Firefall (You Are the Woman), 10CC (Dreadlock Holiday), Steely Dan (Deacon Blues), Fleetwood Mac (Dreams), Pablo Cruise (Whatcha Gonna Do), ToTo (Africa), Starbuck (Moonlight Feels Right), Little River Band (A Cool Change), Atlanta Rhythm Section (Spooky), Ace (How Long), Nicolette Larson (Lotta Love), Paul Davis (Cool Night), Rupert Holmes (Him), and the king of all Yacht Rock, Christopher Cross (Sailing).

This list is by no means inclusive or complete.

The Worst Couple

Rupert Holmes is best known for his “Piña Colada” song — a song, by the way, that was No. 1 on the Billboard Charts in two different decades — No. 1 in December 1979, closing out the 1970s. Then the song returned to the No. 1 spot the second week of 1980 when K.C. & The Sunshine Band’s “Please Don’t Go” fell from the top spot.

But before moving on from Rupert Holmes, his 1979 album, Partners In Crime, produced another lesser known hit, “Him” (one of my favorites) and another “Answering Machine,” a song which probably sounds quite alien to anyone born post-iPhone.

“Leave your name and number,
And I’ll get right back to you.
You have 30 seconds before you’re through…”

How infuriating those machines were.

But, back to “Escape, The Piña Colada Song,” it’s this song that creates what I call The Worst Couple in all of pop music — well, in 1979-80, anyway. From the song…

“I was tired of my lady.
We’d been together too long.
Like a worn out recording,
Of a favorite song. 

So while she lay there sleeping,
I read the paper in bed.
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read.”

Okay, I get it. The guy is a bit bored. Happens. But, who picks up the paper and starts looking through the personal ads?

Already, this song is so dated. Recording that wears out? Not in the digital age. Newspapers? No one looks at those. Personal ads? Kids, this is what we had in the dark ages of the pre-internet era. Think of “personal ads” as the great-grandparents of eHarmony, Cupid, and Ashley Madison…

So the guy in the song reads an intriguing letter. “If you like piña coladas,” the personal ad began, “And getting caught in the rain” – not into yoga…and you don’t have to be too smart — ooh, love at midnight on the beach…

Slowly he puts the paper down and stares wistfully at the opposite bedroom wall, and thinks…

I’ve GOT to meet this woman!”

I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kinda mean…

Scribbling furiously (and as quietly as possible) our guy writes his own personal ad — and for some reason he thinks it needs to rhyme?

Yes, I like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food
I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malley’s
Where we’ll plan our escape!

As an aside, let me say that this guy needs AA and a gym membership more than he does another woman. Piña coladas? Champagne? Meet me in the local bar? No healthy food? This guy needs to plan an “escape” from his bad habits.

But, nope. There he is. waiting with “high hopes” and sipping — what? If the bar is called “O’Malley’s” then it’s a Guinness? Murphy’s? Jamesons, maybe?

High noon, she walks into the place. He knows the smile and the curve of the face. It’s his own “lovely lady!” The one that “lay there sleepin’” while he composed his “escape.”

And she said, “Oh, it’s you”
Then we laughed for a moment —

No no no no no — this is where I can’t go on. No way any couple would “laugh for a moment” and then restart their boring relationship. Nope. Ain’t buyin’ this.

What would happen would involve much cursing, vulgar name calling, and a bill from “O’Malley’s” for damages.

Or, perhaps, a very public murder-suicide…which gives a whole new meaning to “come with me and escape.”